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Anna Z
16 August 2009 @ 05:07 am
So why is it so easy to remember the bad, but so hard to remember the good.
Current Mood: coldcold
Anna Z
04 August 2009 @ 04:12 am

Sometimes we must be hurt in order to grow, fall in order to know, lose in order to gain. And sometimes we have to be broken so we can be whole again.

Words and hearts should be handled with care for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair

No love can hurt as much as the love that can never be and no thought can hurt as much as the thought of a love that could have been.

Love until it hurts and when it hurts, love some more. Love until you don’t care about the pain, until you stop expecting anything in return, until all that matters is loving that person the best way you can.

The greatest mistakes we make are the risks we don’t take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it so that you won’t live your life asking, “What if?” and telling yourself, “If only.”

To truly love is to have the courage to walk away and let the other person who wishes to be free go no matter how much it hurts.

Some have a lifetime, some just a day. Love isn't something you measure that way. Nothing's ever forever, forever's a lie. All we have is between hello and goodbye.

Before, I asked God to give me someone special to love. I found you then lost you. I asked God why and He answered, “But my child, the one you asked for asked for somebody else.”

There will come a time when we have to stop loving someone not because that person started hating us but because we found out that they’d be happier if we let them go.

There’s no use holding on to a feeling that’s already dead. If she belongs to someone else now, then let it be that way. Don’t waste time waiting for someone who never really cared about how you’ve felt.

Two people may fall for each other but sometimes one gets up and walks away while the other is still fallen to the ground

There are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things that we don’t want to know but have to learn and people whom we can’t live without but have to let go.

Letting go of someone dear to you is hard but holding on to someone who doesn’t even feel the same is much harder.

The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held on to

 I know your life can go on without me, that you can be happy without me, that you can survive without me. But even if you turn me away, I will still choose to stay with you and be your sweetest stranger forever. 

Current Mood: weirdweird
Anna Z
03 August 2009 @ 10:41 pm

I hate when people tell me my perception on things are wrong when they are right on... when I see how things are and go, and catch a lot things most people dont catch. I see patterns and I get feelings, and I know they could be wrong sometimes, but I know they arent most of the time. I hate when ppl  play wit your head... Im done fuckin wit ppl I dont matter much too.  Maybe it is me... maybe im just that hard to deal wit. Idk.  I see my faults... Maybe im just that difficult, I try to be the best I can be. But i dont feel I should kiss anyones ass, or hold what I think and feel bak.  I cant... I have a really hard time just not saying what I think. Im nt stupid by any means... I have a gift, i feel things and pick up on things... I just know things... And maybe that sounds stupid... but I know its true, Ive just resently let myself really feel and believe in the things I feel and know. Ok Im starting to feel stupid...
Current Mood: blahblah
Anna Z
29 July 2009 @ 12:41 am

I have some venting... this is the place right... Well first thing. I hate Hate Hate when people atomaticlly assume your a slut or whatever else just because your a stripper. Just becuz your a dancer, and we have found a means better then most, does not mean we sleep around, does not mean we carry STDs, Does not mean we are any less of a person then you. It really kills me how judgemental people really are, and how you really cant get around it. I mean there are slutly strippers, just like there are even slutier girls that dont strip.  There are prob more regular women that have STDs then Stripper. For the main reason because strippers are more apt to keep up on thier personal higine and testing then most others. Its sickng to me how close minded some people are. That said... being that I am trying very hard to get out of dancing just because I dont wanna do it anymore... not becuz I care that its not a respected job. Going to school and getting a different job. There is not much else I can do... With soon to be almost 1700 in bills a month, theres not a way I can get by with a regular job, with no exprience and no degree right now. I will not have my son live poor, or live how I did most my younger years. If I have to strip till I cant anymore and im 50 I will to make sure he has what he needs and some the things he wants, and the money it sometimes takes to excel like for sports and things. And since I am and going to be doing this on my own for a long while... this is what I gotta do, regardless of anyone elses beliefs and thoughts about it. I Struggle as a single mom as a stripper I can only emagin if I didnt do it... I wouldnt make it.  I will get out of it... but I cant right now.

Now...  I wanna know what the point of telling someone you miss them if you make no effort to see them? NONE... Mybe I get to be selfish with my time wit ppl. But latly I dont have much time to just hang out or whateever. But when you know in advance what time I do have... and you choice to do something else thats on you... Im not wasting anymore time trying to get ppl to hang out with me, because im obviously not who they wanna be with or they would be. Im not fighting for it anymore. I can find someone that wants to spend time wit me... or really im not sure anymore... but hopfully I can. Expecially when some the time I feel like Im fighting for is from someones ex, or other ppl that are interested in you. I dont and wont play that game. Not again not anymore... so have fun wit that...

And you I dont get it, do you want me to follow you around the world? And why? So you know Im there and youll have me? Just in case you have nothing else? I dont get it... Im tired of your mixed signals. Just stop can you not decided what you want? And I cant keep going round and round wit you anymore. The great thing about this, is that I use to woulda have atomaticly said yes... and the only reason why im even concidering it is becuz its cheaper there. Im not stuck on you anymore... and Im not gonna follow you for the simple reason of following you... Im still confused why you would even want me to. Im in this town becuz of you... then im going to go to a new town that I dont know becuz of you and then what we stop talking in a month or even 5 months from now again. And then what... where does that leave me... I dunno... I dont wanna be with you or anything like that now... im glad for that... cuz youve put me through to much... and for so long i fought to be with you and it didnt matter, Im not gonna keep fighting for something, that ill never completly have...  Im not going to compete for you anymore... Im not gonna be pushed to the side for other girls, (by anyone) And Im not gonna be played not anymore not again... go play your games somewhere else when your ready to be real wit me  and you can prove that to me... come talk to me and maybe Ill think about it... It could be to late by then... could be to late now...

Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Anna Z
25 July 2009 @ 01:55 am
I want to be the best I can be for you... and be there the most I can be there for you... Im trying...
With life pulling me in so many directions, Your are still #1 priority...
I hate sharing you with him...
Sometimes I wish he was a dead beat dad...
But I know its best for you that he is not, and really easier on me...
I wish I could just get away from him tho, and completly away from the all the pain he has caused me
And away from his other half.
He loves you more then anything tho, and thats really all that matter.
I am happy for that, for you.
Just know tho, no matter how many times I slip off the path, Im always here for you... no matter how much it seems there is so much more going on in mommys life, You are still number one.
I would drop anyone and anything, if I felt it was ever jeprodizing your life or my life with you.
I will never leave you, for anything. I do not regret you or will never regret you!
And mommy will love you no matter what... Forever

Current Mood: lovedloved
Anna Z
25 July 2009 @ 01:35 am

I sit here still doing all this on my own
Yet I have come custom to it and pretty confertable with it
Seems like anyone that comes into my life, as much as I try to let my gaurd down I cant...
And I feel like I cant let myself go completly...
Even to her anymore... Which I think is a good thing...
Ive let her go and im proud of that. Its really weird that its gone...
Like it doesnt seem right... but its a good thing.
Im tryin to be content wit life, but I always seem so restless...
Maybe because im not the same emotionally anymore.  It use to be so easy for me to want someone...
and now it seems so hard to let myself want anything wit anyone...
I dont wanna hurt anyone...
but it seems to not get hurt u have to gaurd youself so much that you end up hurting someone else.
Im kinda heartless and mean now... in a way
I still feel loving and caring... but at the sametime... the way I handle somethings isnt so much
I dont really like that... but ppl made me that way... more so those last two ppl.
Im am scared and ruined for anyone to come... and I feel for them becuz its gonna be real hard for them...
But I guess if they think im worth it they will try no matter how hard it is...
But its hard to think anyone else will think im worth it, when im not sure im worth it
Somedays, I think Im so good to some ppl why wasnt I worth it...
Its like I lay the grounds for them to learn from our bad mistakes, and for them to be so good for the next person...
Why wasnt I worth it to them to be that good to me...
Im pushed to the side when something "better" comes around...
Yet they always seem to come back to me...
Why do you come back, if you only plan to do me the sameway...
I dont play that anymore... Im don playin games...
Dont tell me things you dont plan to show...
Dont tell me things you dont really mean...
Be real...
I dont care if it hurts me be streight up wit me, and how you feel...
Dont tip toe around it and give me excuses...
Why do they choice to keep me around... for what?
Your back up plan, so you know you have something when you have nothing else...
No I wanna be someones number one...
Even at number one... you cant garentee to be someones only one...
I want to be someones only one...

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Anna Z
23 July 2009 @ 06:05 am
I found this lil sorta like a poem today on here... and I loved it and it described someone... and hit right on for me...

you always did have perfect timing.
for once, I got exactly what I asked for
& this time, I'm pretty positive I got the truth.
I can't say I'd rather still not know,
But that doesn't make the confirmation of my dreads hurt any less.
You are a total asshole.
You are romantic, & beautiful, & captivating, & the worst thing of all,
the worst thing of all is that you know it. Nobody should know things like that about themselves.
knowledge is power is a loaded gun,
I stare down the barrel, your finger poised on the trigger, you abuse your power.
& you're so good at falling in & out of love.
But someday you'll be the one left behind, with your heart broken & your mind reeling. . .
& then you'll know what it's like.
& maybe then will you think of me
Current Mood: blankblank
Anna Z
03 May 2009 @ 05:39 am

I use to care about how I’m gonna make everyone feel, or who I might piss off, and think about who toes I might step on, or what people might think. I really am so done... I try to make people happy, I try to not hurt anyone, and in the process I’m not happy and I hurt. And does anyone care about how they make me feel? Nope.  So I found out today that if you go to Wal-Mart with someone you’re dating them. Damn blew me the fuck out the water. You know if I was fuckin someone or dating someone, is it anyone’s god damn biz? Don’t think so, but the problem is all this fuckin shit people think isn’t true.  I would love to rub it and everyone’s face and not give a fuck, if the stories were true. Do ppl really have that much of no life they really need to pry into mine?  Working at a strip club really is just like being back in high school. It’s like oh shit I’m gonna tell on you!! Rumors here and rumors there, Gossip gossip gossip, but I guess you put enough girls in one place that’s what gonna happen.  I’m really just getting burnt out on it maybe... to many years of dealing with the stupid shit, and now having to deal with working with the baby daddy and dealing with his shit. And watching all that put right in my face.  Ya most the time it doesn’t bother me, but sometimes rarely it does. And it just makes me think about how things went down. And through it all, and as much as I want to just let it go and not care anymore, things happened really fucked up, things are still really fucked up, and it’s hard to just get over something like that. And that I’m just so stuck with all this shit too. I don’t have many options, and I can’t get away. And it doesn’t help that I’m alone in it all. I fight with myself on a daily. I don’t let anyone close anymore, in fear of getting fucked or hurt. I don’t allow myself to feel anymore, and I lie to myself trying to convince myself shit. I block out how I really feel cause it makes things not hurt as much... and it helps to keep me from getting close to someone if I keep telling myself I don’t really like them as much as I do, less pain if I do it that way. And then even though i think about her constantly still, I tell myself I don’t want her anymore, I tell her, I don’t want her anymore, in hopes that if she does try to come back ill turn her down this time, cause I’m tired of the excuses and the pain that I know it brings. I’m so glad that lien to myself and saying it to her she finally told me that truth, she don’t want me like that anymore, and I needed to hear that. I’ve needed to hear that for a long time. It’s just now I don’t know what to fill that void they left me with... to stop feeling so lonely sometimes. I don’t wanna be with anyone, for a long time. And I don’t wanna really like someone, for a long time. I think I just need to find someone to do, and that’s all it is, someone to do. I don’t wanna go sleep around because we all know how safe that is. So I need to find just one person. I think I’m learning how to turn my feelings off, I’m pretty good at numbing myself most the time. Sept every once in awhile ill think a little too much and ill break down, but then I just tell myself to suck it up, and it usually works.  I do have my friends... and the ones I have right now are wonderful, but they can’t take the lonely feeling away. I’m learning though, and fast. Soon I won’t need anyone, but me, to be ok. Maybe not be happy, but to be ok. I’m to much of a people person to be happy with just myself.

And I still love u, but u don’t have the effect on me like you use to. Or is that just one my lies to myself again... I’m not really sure yet.

Tags: ,
Current Location: my house
Current Mood: sadsad
Anna Z
16 April 2009 @ 04:31 am

I wish someone would hit me in the head and the only memories I would loose, is everything about you, I know that seems harsh but that’s how I feel right now. I can’t stand this feeling, and I’m falling apart from the inside out.  There is just too much back and forth with you and I can’t do it anymore. Ahhh I can’t walk away as much as I want to. Every time I try I never succeed. I just can’t do it. You think this is what you want? We will see. I always can’t help to think there is more to it, there is more to your reasons for doing this that I don’t know. Maybe there isn’t. Let’s see how long you can go without kissing me, without holding me, without touching me, cause if you feel even a little of how I feel you won’t be able to do it. And if you can... damn props to you! And if you just being my friend, who you gonna get some from for the next 6 months your here? Maybe you’re not mine, but Ill wanna kill the bitch sorry! Not saying I will or even try or say anything, damn right I’m gonna feel it. Cause you have my heart, and you’re playing with it, it’s like you rip it up and put it back together then do it all over again over and over.  You need to sit down and have a real heart to heart with yourself, and figure out what you really feel... and then tell me, bad or good!  No matter how much I take from you and I hurt, I still sit here and wait for you to figure out you... and I’ll keep sitting here, I think. I don’t know how much more I can take, sometimes it hurts really bad, sometimes I don’t feel the pain at all. A person can only take so much b4 the switch gets flipped and it’s over. One these days I’ll get to the point where Ill only wanna be your friend, and I’ll never come back from there, once I’m there I’m there. I know because I’ve gotten there with several other people, I think it might take a little longer with you, because I feel so much more for you. but once I’m there it’s done. So keep pushing me, if that’s what you want.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: blame it
Anna Z
15 April 2009 @ 03:15 am

O don’t you wish you could choose who you fall in love with... I sure as hell wouldn’t choice someone I couldn’t be with.  Seems like everything always has to be so difficult with her, can never make up her mind, or just really know what she wants.  I’ve tried so many times and I’ve pretty much figured out that it’s not gonna happen, I’m not gonna stop wanting her. I can’t see like, I don’t know really how to explain it. Like how I feel, I wish I could feel like this with someone else. Someone I could actually, completely feel that way about and not hurt because I do. When I look at her, when imp with her... I don’t know I can’t put it into words. I just feel like I will never have all of her. I will always only have part of her. She will undeniably always have all of me. That kills me. There is always going to be something she wants more than me, that gonna stop us. There is always an excuse why we can’t work right now.  We will never be just friends, but we will never be us either, we are always just stuck in the middle. There is always so much, that’s more important than me, so many reasons why we can’t be, right now. We have from the beginning her fear... yet imp still here and still haven’t hurt her... explain that. Than we have that she would rather be with her friends than me, on a most of the time bases. Yet again imp still here, and not moving. Explain that. Now it’s that she’s leaving... she will be back... but she’s leaving. Yet... I’m still here, and still not moving...am I just stupid?  Fuck if I know... Like sometimes I just feel like fucking going nuts and screaming and everything else, cuz I get so upset, and confused, and just everything.  What’s worse, her being here and I can’t have her, or her being gone... and I still can’t have her. I really can’t decide. Either way I can’t have her. The things is, I really really have never felt like this before, and maybe it’s because of all the confusing mess that it is. But even before it was like this, I don’t know how to explain it. But I would just lay with her, and just wish I could stay there forever, but reality always comes back, huh. Really if I have to feel like this forever, I just want her to be happy with whatever, I’ll go with whatever she wants as long as it truly is what she wants and is happy with. Something tells me though, no matter what she says, this isn’t whats gonna make her truly happy, this is just what she thinks she needs to do, in this situation.  I’m not gonna try to make her change her mind though, I don’t wanna feel like I forced her into something, she didn’t want. But you can run away from your feelings only for so long. You can only push then away to the back of your head for so long. Am I gonna have to feel like this for 2 more years? Yea, probably so. And again I’ll still be here.  I know you don’t believe it, but you’ll see.

Current Location: my house
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: rock that thang